Monday, September 12, 2011

This is the funniest press release in ages

(forwarded by Richard Flohil - I guess this what they call "going Viral")

THE JITTERS, SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 17, C'EST WHAT (67 Front Street East, at Church) ***EARLY SHOW*** 8 pm start

Aww, come on. THE JITTERS again?

These one-time 80s radio kings HAD a reunion already, didn't they? Isn't once (or twice) enough?? Surely they did well on their "If We're Going to Sell-Out, Let's At Least Make Some Money THIS Time!" Tour.

But Jitters lead singer Blair Packham says no, appearances to the contrary, The Jitters "did not make out like bandits on our last reunion shows. In fact, we barely covered production costs," he said, with an embarrassed grin.

But what about all of the glitz, the glamour, the conspicuous consumption that former band members were seen engaging in these last few months?

"You must be referring to Matthew Greenberg's coat made out of precious ancient gold coins," said Packham, continuing, "Matt doesn't wear that anymore. Too heavy in the summer." Well, that and drummer David Quinton-Steinberg's name-lengthening. Surely THAT was an expensive, yet unnecessary process? Trying to hide my incredulity, I reminded the still-ruggedly-handsome lead vocalist that Quinton-Steinberg was formerly known as either "Quinton" OR "Steinberg" but never both at once! The legal bills to make that official must have been extravagant. "David always had an identity problem, and he confessed as much to us one night on our plane as we were jetting to St. Tropez," Packham told me. "It was always 'Punk?' 'Lawyer?' 'Punk Lawyer?' He wanted to straighten it out and become the fully-rounded individual he knew he was inside. But you didn't mention Danny Levy," he said, slyly looking over his glass of Dom Perignon. That's true, I allowed, not having heard much about the Jitters lead guitarist in recent years. I seem to remember something about Danny being a dog aficionado, I murmured, unsure. "Yes, that's true, but the rumours about him investing in the breeding of a super-dog with opposable thumbs so that Danny wouldn't have to tune his own guitars are COMPLETELY false!" said Blair, with more bravado than was credible.
> Look, I said. All I've heard is that THE JITTERS are appearing once again at C'EST WHAT (67 Front Street East, downstairs, at Church Street) on SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 17 at 8 pm. And I heard you guys are only doing it for the money. Packham looked me unabashedly in the eye and said "So what if it's true? Do the math! Every person in the place will have paid ten bucks to get in and by the time C'est What is filled to its capacity of 80 people, we will be rich, rich, RICH!!" He cackled, theatrically (though it didn't spoil his still-youthful appearance). I pointed out, gently, that even if everyone DID pay full price (Bloody unlikely, I added, given guest lists and families and so forth...), the band would end up, after expenses, with about six hundred bucks to split four ways. "Um, right, well..." said a deflated Packham--though he maintained his excellent and youthful posture despite this quick reality check. "well, of course, we're also doing it for the music, man. The MUSIC, do you hear me??!"