As I contemplate going to another holiday party this week-end, I find myself still hesitating about going out into crowds - or going out at all for that matter. Many an evening my son or someone mentions what I nice day it was and I realize I haven't even stepped outside. It's a good thing I have to take out the garbage every Wednesday - and occasionally travel a few blocks to the grocery store. I passed on 3 big events last week-end and now more stuff coming up this week-end. Oh boy.
So it's been a time to focus on "inner" travels. Tonight it was a virtual pipe circle and I found it quite refreshing though a bit intense. I did my smudge and I prayed to the six directions then, in the deep silence I had a brief visit of an indigenous version of myself. I've been doing these pipe circles for 30 years + and it was always in person with 10 or 15 people in a circle but these days it's just everybody doing it on their own at a designated time. We kind of connect in the ether. I just realized the big advantage of doing it this way is that when I visualize our circle it includes some of our group who have passed on - and they are just as present in this context as those who are still living. Another realization from my session tonight: I have had many "visitations" over the years, sometimes it was a bear and other times it was a rather stern grandfatherly native person standing over my shoulder. It would pass quickly - probably because it knew that I could not hold on to that connection for very long. And this time it passed through me quickly and I felt myself sitting up straighter and feeling a little more "gravitas" than my usual state. I even saw my nose straightening out and a more pronounced chin. But this time I realized it was not that entitity passing through me but in fact it was a aspect of myself that surfaced as I entered that deep state. Hmm, something to think about. From here on I will go along with the idea that deep inside me there is a more serious, warrior-like Brian Blain. Someone who would emerge at the appropriate time if I ever needed to be a hero.
I know, this smells of appropriation but hell I've been doing it for 30 years and I ain't going to stop now. As if it weren't enough that I'm an old white guy singing blues music. My tai-chi set has strayed from the Wang form and I have a Buddhist practice that isn't exactly "by-the-book." There will be some 'splaining to do if it turns out that the Creator is a humanoid God with a strict righteous attitude. Oh well, we takes our chances when we think for ourselves.